Delusion-Elle

It seems to me that I haven't written a very personal blog post in quite some time.

I just finished with Accutane. My last day on the stuff was about 2 days ago, and I haven't noticed any differences yet -- not in terms of any of Accutane's side effects. I am hoping that the tiredness and depression go away, assuming that they are products of the Accutane. Generally, I'm not one of those noticeably cheerful, happy-go-lucky people. If I'm happy, I keep it to myself and bask in it. If I'm upset, I usually keep that to myself as well.

Lately I've been feeling very conflicted about a lot of things. Half the time I feel worthless, upset, and unloved, convinced that I will die alone without anybody's love. The other half of the time I have come to terms with the idea of being celibate for the rest of for ever, and I'm not bothered by that; I remember that people irritate me and even if I had a significant other, he'd probably irritate me too, after a time. What I hate about this the most is that when girls I know from high school (who I'm not really friends with) talk about how their boyfriend is so fantastic, oh and he does all these great things for me, and he's just so perfect, my overly-sensitive self starts asking me, "Why can't you have that? What's wrong with you? Those girls are so much better than you, why can't you be like them?" This isn't healthy. I know that it isn't. And it's stupid. These questions aren't even relevant because there are so many other factors to consider, but when I'm in that terrible mental state, I can't see them or recognize them. I fall to this horrible way of thinking and berating myself about once a month, and I wish it could be less. When I'm not in that terrible mental state, my thoughts are more along the lines of "No one wants to date you? So what? Their loss. The only guys who have voiced interest in me only wanted sex, anyway. There's no need to change who you are", which is much healthier than the alternative, I think. However, this brings me to my next point...


I remember talking to the other co-op student who started at my company at the same time as me. He told me that he was lonely and I heard from our co-worker whom he confided in that he wanted to get a girlfriend. "How do I get girls to like me?" he would ask. "I'm going to buy a guitar so girls will like me," he decided after some thought. Whoa, okay, hold up. Upon hearing that, I became just a little bit upset. To me, that is ridiculous. You don't go out and buy an instrument just so you can get chicks. And maybe this is me speaking as a guitarist myself, but that is pathetic and it goes against my beliefs regarding music completely. If you're going to pick up an instrument, you should do it for yourself. You think that playing the drums is cool? Go and learn them. You want to be able to play your favourite song on piano? Go and learn how to play the piano. You want the chicks to flock to you? Uh, how about you stop and think for a second. You want to play the guitar for the sole purpose of getting a girlfriend? No, that is not going to change anything. Sure, playing the guitar does up your "cool" factor, but do you really want to take advantage of those poor sappy girls who would only like you for your guitar-playing abilities? In general, I don't like the idea of someone changing themselves or doing something solely to increase their chances of finding love. I understand loneliness and the pain that accompanies it. It sucks. I know it sucks. But it's not something worth trying to change yourself -- especially on a shallow level like that -- for. People don't change. Yes, we can make small, temporary changes to our environments and our outlooks and adapt to them, but the core of our very beings, those do not change at the drop of a hat. Under extenuating circumstances, maybe, but otherwise, it is extremely difficult to change the core of a person.

I don't know. Maybe I just feel so strongly about this because I know what that other co-op student's (lack of) work ethic and personality are like and to be honest, his entire disposition on what work should be like (lots of money, do little work, literally sleep on the job -- no, literally) was so different from mine that I just cannot sympathize with him. I'm sure that we have all done things in an attempt to appear more attractive or more desirable to the targets of our affections, but after looking at it like this, I am going to actively try to follow my own "there is no need to try and change yourself so someone will like you" mantra. If the two personalities mesh and the sets of beliefs and values are similar enough, then that's all you need. And it's something that I have to keep in mind for myself, as well.