Delusion-Elle

I am insanely tired nowadays. It makes me sad.
I have no time to play the piano. That makes me sad too.
Technically, I could be playing right now (since I'm procrastinating and all) but OH THE GUILT.
Today, when I was writing an in-class essay for English, I realized something else I've missed.
I mean, yeah, I've known and moped about this one for a week, but today, it became so real.
Pen to paper must be some sort of relationship that was meant to be. It felt glorious to be able to just write, to put down what I thought, even if it was on a topic I wasn't excited about writing on. Maybe it's just the sleep deprivation and the little overemotional side of me, but if I think about all the shit I could be doing instead of studying, writing notes, and doing homework that might never ever apply to my life ever again, I feel like crying. I don't enjoy this at all. And isn't that what life's all about -- enjoyment?
I wrote some lyrics in the summer while I was at work, but prose is something I haven't let out since... July. And the year drags on. If I go to sleep, I wake up to the same story. Notes, homework, unhappiness squared.
But maybe those are just things that tempt my soul. Yes, I'm in computer science, and yes, I do like working with computers (generally). But sometimes I feel like I just can't get it. Like, if the prof asks questions in class, I get what he's talking about. When he tells us to write a program that does something, I'm drowning. And I just can't bring myself to do a goddamn thing about it. In a way, yes, I want to do this. I want to have a stable job with decent pay, doing something I'm not totally opposed to.
And yet I could be doing so much more.
Go on, tell me that music doesn't heal people as much as computer programming does.
I dare you.