Delusion-Elle

I'm only posting this because I've had it, and I finally don't care. I want a listener, but no responses. I'll create illusions of what I need to hear. Please don't read if you want to preserve any sort of pre-existing image of me in your mind.

I didn't come home to feel like a mess, but that's the way things have turned out.


I'm suddenly pressed for time regarding everything, and I've already started worrying about my courses next school year. I am so dead for Math. I know I'm going to need a tutor, but it seems like defeat to me.
I feel like I'm already behind in... everything. There's so much I want to read and write and listen to, but nope, my time is not dedicated to rereading the ICBC driving book thing so (hopefully) I can take the "written" exam sometime before school starts again. But at the same time I don't want to be stuck in the same predicament in 2 years time as I'm in now. I don't want to take the bloody test again. And in many ways, I don't want to learn how to drive. It's going to open up another dimension with another set of responsibilities and mindset to have to attend to. I'm much happier just working on my own projects; I don't need to drive and worry about killing people or crashing the car and feeling my parents' wrath. There are so many things I don't need in my life right now that I foresee that I won't still be needing a few years' time.
And if someone is scared of something, is it their fault? No, it's not. That's just the way it is. Sometimes it can be cured, other times attempts to cure it end up worsening the situation. About a lot of things, I'm okay -- bugs, public speaking, water, heights, rollercoasters, the Downtown eastside -- but the responsibilities having to do with driving are weighing too heavily on my mind right now. And everyone's got their L's now so I feel like a big loser. A big fat pathetic loser who is afraid for no good reason and is uncomfortable in her own skin.
I'm not actually okay with a lot of things, but I make myself be okay with them by repeating the words over and over again in my head.
Never never never never.