Delusion-Elle

Alright, so in terms of a personal update, I've officially been off Accutane for over a month now. Do I feel better now? I would say yes, I do feel better about myself in an emotional sense for sure. Granted, it might purely have been a psychological thing, but the fact of the matter is that I'm not beating myself up as badly anymore at all. Looking back on those months, I don't know why exactly everything got so bad. I kept a lot to myself partly because I was paranoid -- I was afraid that everyone I told would just brush it off and get mad at me for feeling that way about myself, and for that I'm sorry for assuming those actions and thoughts of people. I know that there are people who care about me, but under the circumstances, it felt like no one would understand the crippling feelings and self-doubts I had. Regardless of the hows and whys, I'm in a better place now, and once I'm back at school in September, I'm sure that my life will fall back into a state of normalcy where I can talk to friends I haven't talked to in a long long while because I was overthinking everything and really, I was just so focused on myself in very negative ways. I hated myself for so many ridiculous things. I hated myself for becoming overweight. I hated myself for my facial features. I hated my cowardice and my sensitivity. I hated everyone else for having things that I didn't have. I hated my feelings and how they lingered. I hated my inability to stick with anything. I hated that I hated myself.

And if you've stuck by and read this blog (even if it was just skimming) and if you've ventured onto my Tumblr (ye gawdz), then thank you. A thousand thank you's.

I've also got a cold right now so although I feel better about myself emotionally right now, I'm not exactly in the best physical state. So *cough*, let's see.

To wrap up with my "feelings about me/my life" thoughts, my mom brought up that we might be part-Filipino (and maybe Spanish, given the Spanish influence in the Philippines) on her side of the family. I mean, sure, my mom doesn't look very Chinese certainly, but it never occurred to me that she might look Filipino or like anything other than "mom". The same goes for everyone else I meet, really. So of course, I never really thought of my mom or my uncle or my great-uncle or my mom's cousin as looking anything other than themselves. It was a shock to hear that my mom often is approached at work by Filipino people who then start speaking Tagalog (the main language in the Philippines) to her. It's one thing to have someone ask if you're of a certain nationality or ethnicity and completely something else if someone assumes that you are of a certain ethnicity and then starts speaking to you in a completely foreign language. Anyhow, it was definitely an eye-opener hearing my mom's stories, though I suppose some mixed heritage would explain why she has big double-lidded eyes and a narrow nose with a high bridge (something many Asians can only achieve through surgery). That might also explain my hair colour. Interesting stuff.

I just realized today that it's already August. I have just 1 month left in this co-op placement -- less than 30 work days. Cripes! That's kind of scary. And really, just a few more days until my birthday. Crazy stuff. I don't want to set any goals for myself for this coming year because, knowing me, they would be unrealistic and I'd rather not disappoint myself. See? My thinking's healthier already.

Here, have a Canadian pop song that I can play on the guitar: