Delusion-Elle

These days, I'm not generally one to write out my thoughts. Part of the reason behind this is that I just don't have the time. I have a hefty amount of schoolwork to contend with as well as obligations to my family and boyfriend. Life is good, but it's giving me very little room to breathe and reflect.

I'm not exactly sure what the nature of this post will be exactly, but I came here with my head full of thoughts caused by a certain tumblr post as well as heart full of self-love... and of course a lack of motivation to do my homework.

The tumblr post in question is this one. If you don't want to click through to the link, I've posted the post's sole contents here. Yes, it is this image on the right here. I remember a time when I would've readily reblogged that to my own tumblr blog, but looking at it today, right now, I am disgusted and saddened. I get self-hate. I understand self-deprecation. I've mentally beat myself up many many times before. But the thing that I'm finding more and more with tumblr and its massive community is the glorification of this self-hate. And having been there, I understand why it's so popular. You're single. It bothers you. You hate yourself for it. Why can't I be pretty and desirable? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? It's an easy and toxic state to fall into, and the fact that society seems to create the illusion of coupledom being the norm just makes the situation worse. It's expected of you to be in a relationship, even if your parents or friends don't expect it of you. No, this is a battle between you and society as a whole. And the way you cope is to attack first... even if it's yourself that you're attacking. It feels good in a twisted way. I know. I remember. It feels good reaffirming how you will be alone for the rest of your life. It feels good being able to "stick it to the man". Hah! You think that people get into relationships and fall in love and that as a person, it will happen to me? Well well well, you thought wrong, you son of a bitch. That can and will not ever happen to me. And it's not because I'm too good. Oh no, it's because I am not good enough -- for anybody. I am undesirable and I acknowledge that. I am incapable of being loved and here, let me tell you, let me show you: I am aware of it and it is a part of me and I will wallow in it.

I remember wallowing in self-pity. I remember wanting to be in a relationship so badly. I remember looking at friends and strangers, looking at all of the ones in relationships and focusing on them and their happiness. I remember going to work and plastering a smile on my face every time I dealt with a customer who had brought their significant other up to the counter with them. It hurt. It felt like the world wished to spite me. "Hey, you can't get into a relationship, so let me bombard you with happy couples! NYAH NYAH!" It was tough, and I truly had deluded myself into believing that I would be alone forever. And I was not okay with that.

See, the thing is that loneliness and being alone is intrinsic to existing and living and being human. There will be times when loneliness will strike. There will be periods of your life when you will be alone. And sometimes you may not even physically be alone, but isolation will still live in your heart. Being alone is natural. You need to be alone. Not all the time, no, for loneliness can be its own brand of poison, but for periods of time you do. You need time alone to sort yourself out. You need time alone to get to know yourself better. There is nothing wrong with being alone, and this is something that we as a society need to accept, believe, and champion. And that is what is wrong with tumblr.

Tumblr is no different from the rest of society in a way, but at the same time it's a more concentrated version. Tumblr is where the insecure teenagers flock. Tumblr is made for those who are alone -- infinite scrolling on a dashboard tailored to your tastes, tags galore to explore, unidirectional interactions in the form of reblogs and likes. However, on tumblr it is more obvious, the loneliness. This is partly due to the fact that it is a blog community and feelings are posted ever so often. As great as it is to be able to tag and share and spread posts virally, this viral aspect also results in what I think of as "widespread sadness". You start with one post bemoaning loneliness and pretty soon, the entire community is made aware of how much they hate being lonely and single as well.

I'm not one to write how-to guides on these kinds of things; relationships and self-help are concepts relatively new to me. And yet tumblr has incensed me so much lately with these self-deprecating posts belittling the state of being single that I am driven to post this to express my own feelings. First and foremost: There is nothing wrong with being single. We should all strive for the state of being happy while single. These are months/days/years/decades dedicated to you. This is the time where you can do anything you wanted to do. You can laze about and play games all day. You can read hundreds of books. You can pick up another language or two or three. You can work on that one project you've always wanted to do. And it is all of these things that add to your being, not whether or not some other human being likes you, loves you, wants to bang you. Being in a relationship enriches your life on a different level, but it does not generate that inner peace and happiness that is reliant solely on your relationship with yourself. This is something that a certain subset of people need to understand.

It's hard. I know that it is. It's hard finding good things about yourself. It can be insanely difficult not to compare yourself to everyone around you. But there was this one concept that stuck with me when I was muddling around in the throes of my own self-dissatisfaction: people only let you see the highlight reel of your life, and this highlight reel is what you are comparing against your own lowlights. So don't be too hard on yourself. I discussed this with my boyfriend once, and yes, a certain amount of self-hatred can be acceptable if its only purpose is to serve as a self-motivator. If you are able to look at someone and think that you want to work on being as good as them or better, then that is it. That is the only instance in which self-hatred is acceptable. As soon as you use another person's achievements as something to berate and belittle yourself for over and over again, it is time to stop comparing yourself against them.

The thing is that it can be done. You can get out of the mental rut. I don't know exactly if there is some sort of magical, universal solution, but for me, it was proving to myself that I was capable. I pushed myself. I went out and did co-op. I went into it with so many misgivings and insecurities, and I came out of it a better person. This I am sure of. Meeting more, good-quality people who were kind but who were also flawed (and these were older folks who were more secure about themselves and perhaps were more willing to show their flaws) really helped me accept myself. I went and did yoga. I went for walks at lunch to clear my head. I exercised every night and lost enough weight to physically feel better. I became more aware of what my personal style was and instead of trying to make it fit a certain mold, I let it go and started to choose close to support and enhance it. I learned to take pride in who I was. I am a good, kind, smart person who looks reasonably well-kempt and appropriate for my age, stage of life, and surroundings. I may fall within the confines of "normalcy", but that is okay. Being a rebel is great, as is being edgy. But for what I wanted my life to be and for the person that I wanted to be, I realized that being a normal, functioning person in society was right for me.

I can't say for certain if my "transformation" had any causal effect on the fact that I got into a relationship some months afterwards, but there is a possibility. Confidence was a part of my demeanour now and I think that it showed. My boyfriend tells me now even that when I am brave enough to tell him things -- whether embarrassing or weird or quirky -- he respects and likes me more for having that confidence. Confidence is sexy. And if you can't bring yourself to love yourself "despite" being single, then you aren't ready for a relationship. As simple as that. And even if you are still single then, then it's okay because you've already found a certain love and acceptance: yourself.