Delusion-Elle

Sometimes I wonder strange things. No, I lied -- I often wonder strange things. Only sometimes do I voice them.

Today I wondered on the ride home if cars exist in colours other than red, blue, and silver. Deep down, I know that that they do, but I kept seeing line upon line of red, blue, and silver cars. I think that when I get my first car (LIKE, GOD KNOWS WHEN THAT'LL BE), I'm going to get it in a custom colour if possible. Like periwinkle. Or maybe I'll just cover it in decals and bumper stickers like my mom's friend did to his car. It looks pretty freaking awesome, by the way. He even made it onto the news once.

I wondered if it matters which school you send your kid to. Does it really make them better? Smarter? Faster? Stronger? (Cookie to anyone who thought it strange and just got the kinda half-reference) The school doesn't matter so much as the people in it -- the teachers (good and bad), the students, and the neighbourhood. And really, there are plenty of absolutely lovely people in every school, in every corner of the city. Personally, I don't believe in carting your kid off to some awesome-possum school because of prestige or OMGBUTIT'SAPRIVATESCHOOLANDTHEYROCK. For example, all those stupid kids going to a certain high school at Maple and 49th, or some elementary school on Tisdall. Many of them are on the bus before I even get on, and it is a hella long ride for them. First of all, that just plain sucks. I hate being on the bus. Second of all, high school, okay, I can understand if your kid is awesome enough to get into some sort of elite program or whatnot, but ELEMENTARY SCHOOL? C'MON, PEOPLE! Use your noodle!

And then I wondered what the point of anything and everything is. We go through life, we live, we die. Are we supposed to fight for something? Are we supposed to try and make a difference? Are we only dust in the wind? So I wondered: "What am I living for?"
And I answered: "I don't know."
I feel that if I were to find that one thing worth living for, I could find eternal happiness. Maybe.

Right now I'm wondering what I should be doing. Schoolwork is just a downward spiral, and I don't give enough of a damn to try and pick it back up. Sure, I studied for Chem, but was I really trying hard to get it? No, not really. I studied Math, but was I willing to push myself to the point of being able to do any and every question I could get my hands on? Nope. Same goes for every other midterm I've written after the first two weeks of October. It's all going down.

I'm wondering if it's too late to turn back. Really, I don't know what I'm doing at university sometimes. Yeah, I can get by, but I don't feel as though there's a spark of desire to be there. I'm just there... because. Maybe that's all anyone's running on, but maybe that's not true either. I know that you're supposed to expect your marks to drop ~10%, but how about ~15%? 20%? I'm sick of studying and schoolwork and tests. I just don't know anymore.

I was listening to a song in the car on the way home. This one freaking line struck me: "I've gone too far to begin all anew." It made me sad (regardless of the fact that it's a blue song and blue songs usually make me sad). What if I could start over, what would I be? Is it really too late? Would I ever be able to catch up?
But then again, I can't go living my life between the lines of a song. That's just so... contrived.

And finally, I wondered if nice people -- guys and girls -- finish last. You can be a totally awesome person all your life and never find that one thing you're looking for, be it true love, achievement of a lifelong dream, or just finding yourself. But it just seems so wrong that meanness and/or inconsideration could bring total fulfillment or satisfaction. Sometimes it's just the way of the world, sometimes the whole "nice guys finish last" thing is just totally wrong and karma really does kick into gear.

I think I'm kind of a nice person, sometimes, maybe. Can I not finish last, plox?

DAMN, I THOUGHT TOO DEEP. D:
Now I feel hungry.