Delusion-Elle

I'm only posting this because I've had it, and I finally don't care. I want a listener, but no responses. I'll create illusions of what I need to hear. Please don't read if you want to preserve any sort of pre-existing image of me in your mind.

I didn't come home to feel like a mess, but that's the way things have turned out.

Just finished my CPSC online quiz (due in 30 min.) so I'm in a decently good mood.

So... my Physics midterm was... horrible to say the least. The way I see it now is that I'm going to

I just found this (requires Last.fm account w/scrobbles) which analyzes the songs you listen to and tells you what keys they're in: http://users.last.fm/~matt/hackey/ And you can click the different parts of the pie chart to hear a snippet of a song in that key. The details are here.
Here be my results (screencap'd and hosted by Imageshack):

Time for random wannabe-deep thoughts.

When I listen to songs and look up lyrics on songmeanings.net, my mind thinks of strange things.
Click 'Read more' if you want to be further "enlightened", but it's probably going to end up being a rant kind of thing.

WARNING: WALL OF TEXT  & tl;dr

I kind of want to do what A.Ng did in his last blog post about what crazy business is going down in his brain, but I'm not sure that I could pinpoint anything or assign percentages.

Maybe if I ramble about some other stuff first, I can get on with it.

I never thought of this song as being very sad before, but it got me all teary-eyed this morning. I blame the hormones. I think that the vocalist makes it very red, otherwise the original is very black and gold/yellow, and kind of feels like it's in a tube. I think I should get over this song and this album, but I can't.

I realized the other day that I learned a lot of weird things from songs. Sometimes not directly from songs, but they made me want to Wikipedia things which then led to learning.
Let's make a list because I enjoy seeing those round little bullet things. (No, I don't.)
And really, I have nothing better to do. I hate Math and I hate Physics. They totally just ruined my reading break.

• Odysseus/Iliad/Fall of Troy/Helen of Troy with that face that launched a thousand ships and shiet
• Swan Lake
• reacquaintance with the Lady of Shalott
• Rose Red - like srsly who the feck has heard of that fairytale character?
• the real story of Rapunzel
• 1001 Arabian Nights
• Elizabeth Bathory
• Stockholm Syndrome
• Tolkien's The Silmarillion 
• Goethe's Faust
• Milton's Paradise Lost - before we studied it in Lit, lolol
• fairy hills? - idk, it's what the song sounded like to me ><

I think this is enough proof of my geekiness. x)

Really into this trip-hop band right now. Their music is like chillout/dark ambient/darkwave/ebm/dreamy/downtempo electronica. Their latest album is up for free download, yay! Lightest, most delicate female vocals ever. o__o

Long post is long and it's time to cut it.

Sometimes I wonder strange things. No, I lied -- I often wonder strange things. Only sometimes do I voice them.

Today I wondered on the ride home if cars exist in colours other than red, blue, and silver. Deep down, I know that that they do, but I kept seeing line upon line of red, blue, and silver cars. I think that when I get my first car (LIKE, GOD KNOWS WHEN THAT'LL BE), I'm going to get it in a custom colour if possible. Like periwinkle. Or maybe I'll just cover it in decals and bumper stickers like my mom's friend did to his car. It looks pretty freaking awesome, by the way. He even made it onto the news once.

I wondered if it matters which school you send your kid to. Does it really make them better? Smarter? Faster? Stronger? (Cookie to anyone who thought it strange and just got the kinda half-reference) The school doesn't matter so much as the people in it -- the teachers (good and bad), the students, and the neighbourhood. And really, there are plenty of absolutely lovely people in every school, in every corner of the city. Personally, I don't believe in carting your kid off to some awesome-possum school because of prestige or OMGBUTIT'SAPRIVATESCHOOLANDTHEYROCK. For example, all those stupid kids going to a certain high school at Maple and 49th, or some elementary school on Tisdall. Many of them are on the bus before I even get on, and it is a hella long ride for them. First of all, that just plain sucks. I hate being on the bus. Second of all, high school, okay, I can understand if your kid is awesome enough to get into some sort of elite program or whatnot, but ELEMENTARY SCHOOL? C'MON, PEOPLE! Use your noodle!

And then I wondered what the point of anything and everything is. We go through life, we live, we die. Are we supposed to fight for something? Are we supposed to try and make a difference? Are we only dust in the wind? So I wondered: "What am I living for?"
And I answered: "I don't know."
I feel that if I were to find that one thing worth living for, I could find eternal happiness. Maybe.

Right now I'm wondering what I should be doing. Schoolwork is just a downward spiral, and I don't give enough of a damn to try and pick it back up. Sure, I studied for Chem, but was I really trying hard to get it? No, not really. I studied Math, but was I willing to push myself to the point of being able to do any and every question I could get my hands on? Nope. Same goes for every other midterm I've written after the first two weeks of October. It's all going down.

I'm wondering if it's too late to turn back. Really, I don't know what I'm doing at university sometimes. Yeah, I can get by, but I don't feel as though there's a spark of desire to be there. I'm just there... because. Maybe that's all anyone's running on, but maybe that's not true either. I know that you're supposed to expect your marks to drop ~10%, but how about ~15%? 20%? I'm sick of studying and schoolwork and tests. I just don't know anymore.

I was listening to a song in the car on the way home. This one freaking line struck me: "I've gone too far to begin all anew." It made me sad (regardless of the fact that it's a blue song and blue songs usually make me sad). What if I could start over, what would I be? Is it really too late? Would I ever be able to catch up?
But then again, I can't go living my life between the lines of a song. That's just so... contrived.

And finally, I wondered if nice people -- guys and girls -- finish last. You can be a totally awesome person all your life and never find that one thing you're looking for, be it true love, achievement of a lifelong dream, or just finding yourself. But it just seems so wrong that meanness and/or inconsideration could bring total fulfillment or satisfaction. Sometimes it's just the way of the world, sometimes the whole "nice guys finish last" thing is just totally wrong and karma really does kick into gear.

I think I'm kind of a nice person, sometimes, maybe. Can I not finish last, plox?

DAMN, I THOUGHT TOO DEEP. D:
Now I feel hungry.