These days, I'm not generally one to write out my thoughts. Part of the reason behind this is that I just don't have the time. I have a hefty amount of schoolwork to contend with as well as obligations to my family and boyfriend. Life is good, but it's giving me very little room to breathe and reflect.
I'm not exactly sure what the nature of this post will be exactly, but I came here with my head full of thoughts caused by a certain tumblr post as well as heart full of self-love... and of course a lack of motivation to do my homework.
I remember wallowing in self-pity. I remember wanting to be in a relationship so badly. I remember looking at friends and strangers, looking at all of the ones in relationships and focusing on them and their happiness. I remember going to work and plastering a smile on my face every time I dealt with a customer who had brought their significant other up to the counter with them. It hurt. It felt like the world wished to spite me. "Hey, you can't get into a relationship, so let me bombard you with happy couples! NYAH NYAH!" It was tough, and I truly had deluded myself into believing that I would be alone forever. And I was not okay with that.
See, the thing is that loneliness and being alone is intrinsic to existing and living and being human. There will be times when loneliness will strike. There will be periods of your life when you will be alone. And sometimes you may not even physically be alone, but isolation will still live in your heart. Being alone is natural. You need to be alone. Not all the time, no, for loneliness can be its own brand of poison, but for periods of time you do. You need time alone to sort yourself out. You need time alone to get to know yourself better. There is nothing wrong with being alone, and this is something that we as a society need to accept, believe, and champion. And that is what is wrong with tumblr.
Tumblr is no different from the rest of society in a way, but at the same time it's a more concentrated version. Tumblr is where the insecure teenagers flock. Tumblr is made for those who are alone -- infinite scrolling on a dashboard tailored to your tastes, tags galore to explore, unidirectional interactions in the form of reblogs and likes. However, on tumblr it is more obvious, the loneliness. This is partly due to the fact that it is a blog community and feelings are posted ever so often. As great as it is to be able to tag and share and spread posts virally, this viral aspect also results in what I think of as "widespread sadness". You start with one post bemoaning loneliness and pretty soon, the entire community is made aware of how much they hate being lonely and single as well.
I'm not one to write how-to guides on these kinds of things; relationships and self-help are concepts relatively new to me. And yet tumblr has incensed me so much lately with these self-deprecating posts belittling the state of being single that I am driven to post this to express my own feelings. First and foremost: There is nothing wrong with being single. We should all strive for the state of being happy while single. These are months/days/years/decades dedicated to you. This is the time where you can do anything you wanted to do. You can laze about and play games all day. You can read hundreds of books. You can pick up another language or two or three. You can work on that one project you've always wanted to do. And it is all of these things that add to your being, not whether or not some other human being likes you, loves you, wants to bang you. Being in a relationship enriches your life on a different level, but it does not generate that inner peace and happiness that is reliant solely on your relationship with yourself. This is something that a certain subset of people need to understand.
It's hard. I know that it is. It's hard finding good things about yourself. It can be insanely difficult not to compare yourself to everyone around you. But there was this one concept that stuck with me when I was muddling around in the throes of my own self-dissatisfaction: people only let you see the highlight reel of your life, and this highlight reel is what you are comparing against your own lowlights. So don't be too hard on yourself. I discussed this with my boyfriend once, and yes, a certain amount of self-hatred can be acceptable if its only purpose is to serve as a self-motivator. If you are able to look at someone and think that you want to work on being as good as them or better, then that is it. That is the only instance in which self-hatred is acceptable. As soon as you use another person's achievements as something to berate and belittle yourself for over and over again, it is time to stop comparing yourself against them.
The thing is that it can be done. You can get out of the mental rut. I don't know exactly if there is some sort of magical, universal solution, but for me, it was proving to myself that I was capable. I pushed myself. I went out and did co-op. I went into it with so many misgivings and insecurities, and I came out of it a better person. This I am sure of. Meeting more, good-quality people who were kind but who were also flawed (and these were older folks who were more secure about themselves and perhaps were more willing to show their flaws) really helped me accept myself. I went and did yoga. I went for walks at lunch to clear my head. I exercised every night and lost enough weight to physically feel better. I became more aware of what my personal style was and instead of trying to make it fit a certain mold, I let it go and started to choose close to support and enhance it. I learned to take pride in who I was. I am a good, kind, smart person who looks reasonably well-kempt and appropriate for my age, stage of life, and surroundings. I may fall within the confines of "normalcy", but that is okay. Being a rebel is great, as is being edgy. But for what I wanted my life to be and for the person that I wanted to be, I realized that being a normal, functioning person in society was right for me.
I can't say for certain if my "transformation" had any causal effect on the fact that I got into a relationship some months afterwards, but there is a possibility. Confidence was a part of my demeanour now and I think that it showed. My boyfriend tells me now even that when I am brave enough to tell him things -- whether embarrassing or weird or quirky -- he respects and likes me more for having that confidence. Confidence is sexy. And if you can't bring yourself to love yourself "despite" being single, then you aren't ready for a relationship. As simple as that. And even if you are still single then, then it's okay because you've already found a certain love and acceptance: yourself.
"It's been a while."
I feel like I've started many a blog post with those 4 words given how many times I go on hiatus. Well, I'm not guaranteeing that I will be back on here for long; I'm procrastinating right now and I'm not really in the mood for studying.
Let's just say that life is good. Sure, I may have failed the last final exam I had, resulting in possible failure of the course, but I know that I can bounce back. I can and will survive whatever school tosses at me. Heck, I am going to survive whatever life throws at me. Except death, I suppose.
It's been a good number of months since my last post. I suppose that I can recap the past term.
School has been... killer. Let it be known: never take 4 CPSC courses concurrently! It is absolute murder. The thing about CPSC courses is that each assignment takes an ungodly amount of time to do. And unlike with a lot of other subjects, ones that involve coding in particular have no foreseeable end sometimes. This is something that I don't think a lot of people outside of the field understand unless they are in close contact with a CS student. You write your code and logically it makes sense to you, your peers, your TA, and your prof. But then you find a bug and upon fixing that one, you find another. And this goes on and on until you reach the point when you can comfortably say "Okay, I've gotten this thing to the point where it's good enough. It's not done, it's not perfect, but it's good enough and I've already stayed up until 4am four nights in a row because of it." Of course, if you aren't a perfectionist, it doesn't really matter. But most CS folks are, it seems. Looking back on my courses, they were much like I had anticipated, although I did not foresee having a crappy group to work with for 310 and I certainly had not anticipated the good network of people I had to help me survive the term. After taking the year off to do co-op, I didn't think that any of my buddies would be left, but it turns out that they all did co-op too, so I had common courses with almost everyone I befriended within my faculty back in second year. I also reconnected with an old childhood friend and it's really just amazing how things worked out so that we're probably about as close now as we were way back when.
And of course I made a new friend. A new best friend, really. He is fantastic. I have no other all-encompassing word to describe him. No, he's not perfect, no one is. I realized somewhere along the way that it was not fair of me to project any weird ideas of perfection onto him. Reasonable expectations are fine, yes, but beyond that, it's just unfair to the person and I would never choose to be unfair to him. I'm thankful to have met him and I'm thankful that I took the chance. I remember being in a bad place mentally and emotionally less than a year ago, but I got through it and I think that all of the confidence and maturity that I gained from that year off doing co-op changed me. Maybe it didn't change the core of me, and to those who knew me so well likely saw little to no difference, but rather this change came out in my public self-presentation. I was able to crawl out of the hole that Accutane and mild depression opened up and accept myself and see value in me. That isn't to say that I don't ever tumble back down. There are still phases, but they pass and never seem to last more than a couple days now. But of course it never hurts to hear someone you love tell you that you're beautiful.
In short, I'm in a good place now and I hope that you all are too.
I'm not sure what the point of this blog entry will be today, but it's been a while since I've updated this thing and I do have a backlog of things I want to write about. It's just hard thinking of them once this text editor is open in front of me. Funny how that is. I'll keep this post to personal things and any other content will be pushed to another post.
It seems to me that I haven't written a very personal blog post in quite some time.
I just finished with Accutane. My last day on the stuff was about 2 days ago, and I haven't noticed any differences yet -- not in terms of any of Accutane's side effects. I am hoping that the tiredness and depression go away, assuming that they are products of the Accutane. Generally, I'm not one of those noticeably cheerful, happy-go-lucky people. If I'm happy, I keep it to myself and bask in it. If I'm upset, I usually keep that to myself as well.
Lately I've been feeling very conflicted about a lot of things. Half the time I feel worthless, upset, and unloved, convinced that I will die alone without anybody's love. The other half of the time I have come to terms with the idea of being celibate for the rest of for ever, and I'm not bothered by that; I remember that people irritate me and even if I had a significant other, he'd probably irritate me too, after a time. What I hate about this the most is that when girls I know from high school (who I'm not really friends with) talk about how their boyfriend is so fantastic, oh and he does all these great things for me, and he's just so perfect, my overly-sensitive self starts asking me, "Why can't you have that? What's wrong with you? Those girls are so much better than you, why can't you be like them?" This isn't healthy. I know that it isn't. And it's stupid. These questions aren't even relevant because there are so many other factors to consider, but when I'm in that terrible mental state, I can't see them or recognize them. I fall to this horrible way of thinking and berating myself about once a month, and I wish it could be less. When I'm not in that terrible mental state, my thoughts are more along the lines of "No one wants to date you? So what? Their loss. The only guys who have voiced interest in me only wanted sex, anyway. There's no need to change who you are", which is much healthier than the alternative, I think. However, this brings me to my next point...
I remember talking to the other co-op student who started at my company at the same time as me. He told me that he was lonely and I heard from our co-worker whom he confided in that he wanted to get a girlfriend. "How do I get girls to like me?" he would ask. "I'm going to buy a guitar so girls will like me," he decided after some thought. Whoa, okay, hold up. Upon hearing that, I became just a little bit upset. To me, that is ridiculous. You don't go out and buy an instrument just so you can get chicks. And maybe this is me speaking as a guitarist myself, but that is pathetic and it goes against my beliefs regarding music completely. If you're going to pick up an instrument, you should do it for yourself. You think that playing the drums is cool? Go and learn them. You want to be able to play your favourite song on piano? Go and learn how to play the piano. You want the chicks to flock to you? Uh, how about you stop and think for a second. You want to play the guitar for the sole purpose of getting a girlfriend? No, that is not going to change anything. Sure, playing the guitar does up your "cool" factor, but do you really want to take advantage of those poor sappy girls who would only like you for your guitar-playing abilities? In general, I don't like the idea of someone changing themselves or doing something solely to increase their chances of finding love. I understand loneliness and the pain that accompanies it. It sucks. I know it sucks. But it's not something worth trying to change yourself -- especially on a shallow level like that -- for. People don't change. Yes, we can make small, temporary changes to our environments and our outlooks and adapt to them, but the core of our very beings, those do not change at the drop of a hat. Under extenuating circumstances, maybe, but otherwise, it is extremely difficult to change the core of a person.
I don't know. Maybe I just feel so strongly about this because I know what that other co-op student's (lack of) work ethic and personality are like and to be honest, his entire disposition on what work should be like (lots of money, do little work, literally sleep on the job -- no, literally) was so different from mine that I just cannot sympathize with him. I'm sure that we have all done things in an attempt to appear more attractive or more desirable to the targets of our affections, but after looking at it like this, I am going to actively try to follow my own "there is no need to try and change yourself so someone will like you" mantra. If the two personalities mesh and the sets of beliefs and values are similar enough, then that's all you need. And it's something that I have to keep in mind for myself, as well.
It's half past midnight and most of the places I frequent online are rather dead, so I turn to my blog to provide me with entertainment. Well, not so much entertainment, but something to do, at least.
My mom thinks that I am depressed. Maybe I am. I suppose that when you're living with it, it's hard to say; it feels like I have been this way since I was aware of my own consciousness. Given that my mom knows me the best of anyone, I suppose that I may have to agree. My irritability seems to be more constant, and whether that's because I have recently recognized the ugliness of the world or because of the Accutane, I do not know. Regardless, this leads me to a point.
Since starting my co-op placement nine months ago (coincidental, really), I've been approached by co-workers who have commented on how I seem or don't seem to be very happy. I have never had this happen before in my life. People don't generally care or seem to notice if I'm being particularly happy or sad, and yet in the past nine months, two different people have commented on my mood. I understand their concern when I'm "sad", but it seems that they think that I'm constantly "sad". I assure you all that this is not the case, though it made me wonder.
I am not the type of person who shares particularly good or happy news with people. I don't like to broadcast my triumphs. This is partly because I do not want to rub it in anyone's face, and also because I feel as though it shouldn't matter if I share my joy -- if it makes me happy then that's enough happiness in itself, I derive no pleasure from subjecting other people to partaking in my own brand of happiness. Sure, if it's a large enough, universally-understood enough topic, then sharing can be a good thing and it won't be seen as a form of bragging to anyone. However, on the other hand, there are often times where I feel like if I did share my happy news, people just wouldn't care. They might act as though they cared, but if it's beyond their scope of knowledge, they probably would rather not have to feign caring. Or at least that's what I think.
I was looking at my Twitter feed the other day and thinking that perhaps my tweets reflected this as well. Oh, I'm sure they do. And given that most of my tweets seem to be complaints about things, I suppose that it's no small wonder that people assume that I'm unhappy all the time, though it still bothers me that they even assume that at all. By the logic that I don't tweet particularly happy things meaning that I am a person who is rarely happy, then most folks -- who tend to make cheerful tweets about how things are going hunky-dory and that their significant others are wonderful and that life is grand -- are people who are never (or are rarely) sad. As much as I would like to condemn this logic, I realized that I actually think in that same way. I do see tweets by people that are happy and joyful, and yes, I do assume that that means that things are going very smoothly for them in life. Sure, they have the occasional complaint here and there about how there aren't enough chairs in the library at school, or that they couldn't find a closer parking spot, but all in all, their lives look so rosy and fantastic... and it makes me jealous. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this social media thing, which just provides more platforms for me to be exposed to the self-highlight reel people put out of themselves -- the self-highlight reel that I often compare my fault-ridden self to. It's not good for my ego and it's not good for my self-esteem, but I am completely wrapped up in it, and it is so very hard trying to wade my way back out. I have problems seeing my own highlight reel, and perhaps that's because I am constantly comparing everyone else's best to my worst sides.
Regardless, this was an interesting combination of perception and assumption that I found, and I cannot wait to be rid of my reliance on Accutane.
I've abandoned this blog for far too long (again) and we've hit that time of year again where everyone has problems writing down the date and people finally start to recover from their holidays hangover.
2011 was a very trying year. Thinking back to last January, I can honestly say that a lot has happened since then. The good things included finishing 2nd year (not with flying colours, but with a somewhat respectable GPA) and landing a co-op placement with a company focused on creating products that I would actually be passionate about. I became closer to my friends during the summer and had a great time with them every Monday night when we'd talk and jam out playing Guitar Hero. They are such good people. I could not ask for a better set of friends to genuinely care about me. Much love.
The bad was, simply put, bad. I let my heart get away from me for a few months, and even now, almost half a year later, I'm still trying to get a complete hold of it again. My cat passed away, and even as I type this, I feel the tears spring to my eyes. He was a fantastic cat. I won't say that he was better than my last, but he was mine and I loved him -- still do. I miss him every day. Every time I remember him and how loyal and gentle he was, I miss him like crazy. The only solace I can get out of this is that he's in a better place with Grizz and my grandpa and they're all waiting for me. And I know that they all love me and they will wait for me -- just like when they were here on Earth -- until the end of time if they have to. They're watching over me and what keeps me going is just this weird belief I have that I am doing this all for them. I want to make them proud even though I know that no matter what happens, their love is unconditional.
Another tragedy to strike was the death of my math tutor, also the husband of my piano teacher. He and his wife had such a hand in raising me. They were truly good people, helping out with charities and fundraising, while still spending time with their family and teaching their students not just piano/math/etc., but also life lessons. He was so young, too -- not even 60 yet. I cannot even begin to imagine how his loved ones are coping with his passing. Only the good die young.
I want to end this post on a somewhat encouraging note, so I'll try to come up with some New Years Resolutions, or rather just a few small goals for myself this year:
- Learn German up to a basic level following the BBC Languages guide
- Lose 5 pounds
- Stop being afraid to write more music
- Do not lose myself in trying to please anyone else
- Curb spending (especially with my credit card)
- Read more books
- Finish proofreading my NaNoWriMo from 2011 & order the physical copy
- Don't fall for anyone
- Don't compromise my own values and beliefs and comfort levels
- Experience and live more
So it seems that summer is officially over in Vancouver. We get the occasional sunny day, but as of late it's been a constant blanket of grey clouds, with the ever fear-inducing possibility of precipitation. But you know, a little rain never did any harm to anyone.
And that is why on a cloudy, grey Sunday, my friends and I went to Adonia for high tea. I went for afternoon tea back in London last year at the Orangery at Kensington Palace so my experience with high tea is limited to that one previous instance. Sadly, this blog entry will not be about this, despite the eponymous title.
In other non-tea related news, I've now gone to see the last Harry Potter movie twice and I am slowly coming to terms with my childhood ending. Yes, I cried the first time I watched it when Fred, Lupin, and Tonks died, and especially during Snape's memories. Like, I was straight up crying, not just tearing up silently. Also, this is quite possibly the most awkward hug I've ever seen (note: this was edited to make it even more awkward, but essentially, yes it was this awkward):
Which is probably about as awkward as my hugs.
Also. My pursuer continues pursuing. The poor sap. I think that he's really deluded himself into thinking there is a possibility of something happening despite being an ocean away.
Today I had some cavities filled. Cavities that my dentist had found LAST YEAR, but decided to get filled this year. *headdesk*
So it was supposed to be 2 appointments because I had like 4 cavities or so, but my mom pushed to get everything done today, which sounded like a good thing to me. Except when they started the anaesthetics I was in an intense amount of pain. Why they had to stick the needle in my mouth for so long, I'll never know. What I do know is that whatever nerve they jabbed on my right side took out the feeling in half of my nose and my right eyelid. That was indeed a fantastic feeling. My entire lower jaw plus tongue were numb as well so dinner was a difficult and late ordeal.
The thing about my dentist is that she points out tons of cavities that need to be filled, but when this other dentist that works there and sometimes fills in for her for short check-ups takes a look, he sees little to no work to be done. I understand my dentist wanting to be on top of things, but it seems nearly fanatical. I mean, it's not like we have an unlimited amount of money for these dental appointments. .___." Yeah, my dad's plan from work covers a good chunk of it, but still.
In other news, after being out all day yesterday, I came home to find some money from the government (yay for low income!) and my ballot for the HST vote. I haven't been keeping abreast of the local politics as of late, but after seeing all of those HST stick-figure commercials during the NHL Playoffs, I have an idea of how I will vote.
It seems that South Sudan officially became a country recently, as well! Amazing. History is happening even as we speak.
And to continue with the topic of my previous blog entries...
"hey there love" -- someone slap me. I can't get over that. Who the hell starts a conversation like that? And then continues with: "i missed you, just sayin' >.>" Hon, I didn't talk to you for, like, a day. And the last two times we conversed, you only gave me 1-word answers. Though today is much better, surprisingly. I guess he figured out that my PMS can only last for a week (and yes, he asked if I was still in my monthly grump mood lolol). Oh wow, we're actually having a normal conversation. Well, as normal as can be when video games are involved. This is absolutely amazing.
ALSO. I really miss hockey season. T_______T
I am a very happy girl. I really didn't think that it'd help so much, but I think my piano saved me from a meltdown of sorts today. Man, I should've been doing this all along. And I improvised something very nice (Baroque-esque using a synth-ensemble patch, sounded kinda 8-bit; but improv'd so it's gone) so that cleared my head up a lot. The problem with summer time is that I have time to think and thinking leads to small revelations about myself and those just make me feel crummy. So. I'm trying to do something productive with my time.
I swear, every song is pretty much just comprised of 4 chords, plus another few chords in the modulation/inevitable key change section. But that's it. I've got "Judas" down (mostly, I think) except for the little spoken word section before that lovely little "I wanna love you, but something's pulling me away from you" section.
Also, my Australian pursuer has not spoken to me for 2 days. I mean, I'm down with being friends. But you can't just hop from smalltalk on Twitter to awkward one-word replies on Skype. Though now that I think about it, the timing of his responses on Skype is kind of strange. If the topic was "interesting", he'd answer right away, but all of the other times it's like he was trying to remain calm and collected. Which is stupid because he pretty much said that he goes gaga over someone with the attributes that I possess. I mean, once you say that, dude, it becomes rather silly to feign disinterest. Or if you really don't care, then maybe you shouldn't've jumped the gun on the whole "you should like add me on skype" thing. If he actually isn't interested in me at all, then that's fine. I can understand that completely. But don't give crappy responses.
Regardless, I'm feeling pretty alright right now. I can't wait for Monday so we can start working on arranging.
OH JESUS CHRIST, I SPOKE TOO SOON. I just got a tweet from someone. Like a couple minutes ago.
adsfasfdasfdasdjfk;. I think I need my Swedish friend to be online when I talk to this guy just so I can at least have SOMEONE on my side who can think clearly and interpret things correctly when I can't. Because I usually end up talking to my Australian pursuer late at night and my mind is mush at such hours.
Like right now. I'm laughing really hard at his tweet and I don't even know why. If he's smitten, then I'm really really sorry but his behaviour is just hilarious. Sweetie, we've talked for all of, what, 4 hours? Plus whatever disjointed minutes we logged on Twitter. But really. Actually respond with more than one word. Please. And also, use smileys/emoticons. You sound like an insensitive jerk, even though when we mic chat'd you sounded nice and we actually had a normal conversation.
"[...] and thank you for being lovely."
In other news, I finally reconnected with my Swedish (online) friend and we talked about this ridiculous situation I've been caught in. Really, that was the talk that I needed; talking with someone who thinks like me but is male (and not currently hormonally imbalanced) and is able to pinpoint all the important details that I gloss over. I feel very thankful to have such a good friend with whom I can be candid and silly.
Also, the little Guitar Hero "band", Shiet, that I formed with a few close friends is going to be doing something very interesting. Or rather: Shiet's getting real. I mean, between the four of us, we can play about 6 or 7 instruments -- why haven't we been making use of these talents? I'd love to be able to use the transposition I learned from theory classes in a relevant, real life application (should it be necessary). So yes. I don't think that I need to be any more detailed about what we intend on doing as nothing's really happened yet (it's all talk at the moment), but if this should become a reality, that'd just make my summer.
It's already July. Dammit.
I'm contemplating whether or not to go for a promotion at work. It wouldn't be something happening imminently, but once Fair rolls around and we hire en masse, it'd be nice to be differentiated from everyone else. And I'm responsible. And I've been here for almost 3 years now. Plus, once I pop into work on Sunday, I will be the proud possessor of 2 Spotlight Recognition cards. That must mean that I'm doing something right. I'm also fairly good at working cash, since the most I've been off by this season so far is $0.10. However, in a way, I'm content not having to deal with that extra stress. The pay is only a few dollars more, but generally everything negative that comes to me gets redirected to the supervisor. And with my co-op work term limiting my availability in the Fall, I'm not sure if it's totally worth my while to even try.
Now that the NHL Awards are over, it's really starting to sink in for me (as it does every year around this time): hockey season is over. Although I don't blog a lot about hockey and the weird fascination I have with it, it is a rather sizable part of my life. That's something that I can't really help; I was raised on it. My dad would tape games and we'd stay up late watching them, partly because I was one of those 2 year olds who couldn't sleep at night and also because my dad apparently loved that he could watch hockey with his daughter. Like, psh, who needs a son when I have a daughter who wears a Habs T-shirt (there is pictorial evidence) and sport Avalanche tearaways? Anyhow...
I've been up since 7:30AM. It's now 2AM and I feel like rambling. I was talking to my mom the other day about how I got that co-op job placement (because I still can't believe it) and she said that my dad had a part in helping me get it. This confused me, but then she reminded me of how he got me into hockey and how I ended up blathering on about hockey and the Canucks and the Bruins and Tim Thomas and the Canadiens during my interview. Yeah, I guess I wouldn't have been able to do that if I didn't live with such a hockey fanatic. So here's a look at my strange relationship with hockey.
The 2010-2011 NHL hockey season is over. It was a rocky season with ups and downs for everyone, but tonight it all came down to one game.
I spent my evening at home, talking to my cousin on Skype. Since she's back east doing co-op for a term, we've been communicating regularly during Canucks playoff games. I have to say that I love talking to someone knowledgeable and passionate about the sport, and she has both of these things as she's been a Canucks fan since she was 6. My excuse for staying in for the night was something between keeping my cousin company as well as studying for my Math final on Friday.
In spite of all that, I found this interesting article written before tonight's game, which really highlights a lot of the similarities between the two teams as well as summing up this whole series. And in case you're wondering, yes, Peter Forsberg did play for the Nashville Predators. I had to look that one up. (Forsberg is synonymous with the Avalanche in my mind.)
The aftermath of tonight's game is just... well. On the one hand, I understand upset fans -- true fans. But a group of hooligans who don't care for the sport, who just want to cause trouble is something that I don't want running around my city, setting it ablaze and essentially destroying it. Watching the coverage on the news, I could tell that these were not Vancouverites. The demographics were all wrong. I know that we're multicultural and that we were the 2010 Olympics host city. Everything that I saw on TV tonight was not us.
Do you want to know the difference between a Vancouverite and someone from the outskirts? This is what Vancouverites do. And the hooligans? I think it's clear what they do.
I don't usually blog so extensively about hockey, but I'm high on cold meds (again), and this is probably my last chance for the season. I am, in no way, an expert on hockey. My guy friends are. I am not, so everything said here should be taken with a grain of salt. Oh, and I'm only semi-lucid right now so who knows what exactly I'm going to be saying.
The Canucks-Bruins match-up is an interesting one. One, a relatively young franchise, though still Cup-less, and the other a part of the Original Six, having produced many great hockey players, though pushing 39 years of being without the Stanley Cup.
As someone living in Vancouver, I've gotten a very interesting perspective throughout these playoffs. Firstly, my #1 team, Detroit, was eliminated in the second round, so I was able to take a step back and observe things from a slightly less heady point of view. Don't get me wrong, I most certainly do follow the Canucks. It's just that my first love is for the Red Wings. Canucks and Habs are probably next. Firstly, the Canucks bandwagon has exploded, and this is an issue that I am torn about. On the one hand, I love to see people (seemingly) passionate about the sport. I've grown up watching hockey, it's always been a constant in my life (minus the lockout year), and I am excited to see people embracing hockey. I mean, as fans, everyone's got to start somewhere, and the Canucks' fated playoffs run has brought this city together. On the other hand, I cringe at people new to the sport commentating as though they know the sport inside and out. I've also witnessed newly proclaimed Canucks fans call other new fans "bandwagoners". To me, this is ridiculous. Unless you've been with this team through the ups and down, through the West Coast Express years, through Linden's retirement, and the Bertuzzi-Moore incident, are you really truly a fan?
I certainly understand "jumping onto the bandwagon". It's just that I want to know whether you are going to jump right back off, or if you are delusional and therefore uneducated about the sport, or if you really do want to get into hockey. The fact that there are so many uneducated -- and I am using this term loosely -- "fans" irks me to no end. Again, I understand wanting to be a part of this great excitement and trying to get into this sport, but you have to do your homework. I'm going to liken it to becoming a fan of a certain band or artist: if you're a fan, you know the band inside and out -- you know the names of the members and you've gone through the trouble of looking them up because you are hungry for information about them, because you want to be able to converse with other intelligent fans, such as yourself. It's exactly the same with any sports organization.
Bandwagoning aside, it's been highlighted how "unclassy" the Boston fans are. My response to that is: look in the mirror. First of all, hockey is not a classy sport. Sure, you do have classy players -- Lidstrom comes to mind -- and you can have classy coaches and classy fans, but at the end of the day, hockey is a contact sport. It is physical and people who are fans, especially in areas where hockey is not the biggest market, are insanely passionate about their teams. On both sides the antics have been downright horrid at times. Of course, diehard fans will defend their teams' fans, but again, as someone who is not a "diehard" Canucks or Bruins fan, I see the classlessness and "dirtiness" of both sides. If you look and don't turn a blind eye, I assure you that it is indeed there.
What with all of the injuries sidelining players, I figure that I'd may as well comment on those as well. Yes, this does tie in directly with the fans' behaviour, but I want to look at all of the finger-pointing Canucks nation has been doing. The Bruins are an Original Six team. I feel like this is something we should remember sometimes. It means that their fans, their diehard fans, are absolutely nuts about their team, and for good reason with that rich history, and of course Bobby Orr. We mustn't forget about that man. That all aside, it seems to be a general consensus that both sides wish the best for all of the injured players. The Rome hit was an open ice, to-the-head hit. Rome left the ice. Horton was down and out. I hate to blame the victim, but yes, he probably should've had his head up. That being said, Horton was one of their star players in these playoffs. Boston definitely came out of this incident the losers. Hamhuis is out, for something undisclosed, and now we come to the Boychuk hit on Mason Raymond. From what I saw, the hit, albeit late, really did not look very bad. Yes, the positioning was definitely awkward, but as far as I know, it wasn't a hit to the head, and really, it was all just very bad luck and unfortunate. It's horrible that MayRay will be out for 3-4 months because of this, but it was bad timing and bad positioning. It was hard to tell what exactly had gone wrong.
I myself am a Tim Thomas fan. I find it hard to dislike the guy. He's 37 years old, and he's worked his butt off to make it where he is. As quoted by a writer for ESPN:
Tim Thomas is 37, a 217th overall draft pick who toiled for years in the minors and in Europe, who had to fight and scratch and claw for a chance at a starting job, which he did not earn until he was 31. His livelihood was in question as early as this past season, when he underwent hip surgery that threatened to derail his future.A part of me definitely feels like this man deserves a Cup. But at the same time, this Canucks team has done incredibly. Despite having Luongo in net. One comment I heard on Team 1040 radio last night (as my dad turned it on just before sleeping) was this:
For getting $10 million a year, this shows us that Luongo can't play in every arena. Back when Patrick Roy was having that spectacular year, did he have arenas that he couldn't play in?Indeed this is something to think about. $10 million a year. And what did he spend 50 minutes doing last game? He sat on the bench.
Beyond Luongo, I actually do love Schneider. He's played very solidly when he's been called upon, and I hate to see him go, as will most probably happen. He's too good to just be Luongo's backup. He's also been blogging during the Playoffs and he seems like a funny and intelligent man.
And yes, maybe it does seem like I'm defending the Bruins more in this post, but believe me, I most definitely feel like they are the underdogs in this series. The Canucks have a great chemistry this season, and when they play well, they play really well, despite the refereeing and injuries. However, Boston is a team that just lost one of their star players, and from seeing them play against the Habs, they are a team that perseveres. Sure, they choked last year, but with Tim Thomas at the helm, they've managed to get to Game 7 of the Finals.
One game. One goal. One Cup. All it takes is one. But will we end up being the ones left in the Cup drought again?
One thing is for sure: whoever gets the Cup tomorrow night will have deserved it.
Sun in the sky, you know how I feelRight, so I think that I've gotten myself into a relatively happy patch right now. Which probably explains the lack of updates; I blog when I have something to share or if I have worries that I only want to broadcast to a select readership.
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
The first thing that I want to mention is that I really do love the Scandinavia and the World comics. I found them on deviantArt and I have spent far too many hours going through them all. What I love is how they're actually fairly educational, but also funny in how they poke fun at different country's stereotypes and images. I was up until 3AM last night learning about this little island called Hans Island that Canada and Denmark fight over. And really, it is probably the tamest fight in the history of fights. Canada and Denmark take turns re-erecting their flags on this tiny island and, hell, sometimes even leave a bottle of whiskey there for the other country.
So yes, I basically stayed up until 3AM to read up on some history. If that doesn't make me the epitome of "geek", I don't know what does.
Also, I miss writing so I'm warning you that a long, rambly, verbose blog entry lies ahead full of details of my life...
Thing about co-op is that it's just a way to have you heart broken over and over and over again. It's like life, really. All the great, fantastic, good-looking, awesome people get jobs and don't get their hearts broken. Meanwhile, the rest of us go from job posting to job posting, hoping and praying that maybe this one will be The One to finally not reject you.
/okaythisgottoopersonal
I haven't been feeling 100% since about Monday of last week. So that, plus the busy-ness of schoolwork and co-op preparation has made me lazy in terms of blogging; micro-blogging has just been a lot easier.
Entering the Stanley Cup Finals, I'm sad that there isn't hockey on every day. I mean, the next game isn't until Wednesday. What am I going to do with myself until then?
Catch up on House episodes? Did that yesterday.
Do Math homework? It's due Tuesday.
Apply to more co-op jobs is another option, I guess, though, I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now by the number of interviews that haven't resulted in anything. What a contrast compared to all the interviews I've been through before for those summer jobs and seasonal positions.
Oh, and to top it all, my desktop's USB ports won't detect any devices. At all. I've restarted my computer and whatnot, but I think that a fix will have to do with hardware, and that, I'll leave to my dad. Though, what with co-op job searches going on, and several tabs open with job postings that I'm interested in, I'm loathed to shut my computer down and actually let my dad work on it.
I'm feeling kind of woozy right now, so I think I'll go back to bed.
I just spent the last 10 minutes staring at pictures of my favourite hockey players. Someone help me.
Once again it has been far too long since my last blog entry. I feel that with my short attention span and love of instant gratification I have been spending much more time on Tumblr. It probably doesn't help that I am pretty darn busy these days.
A standard day for me used to be this:
9:30am: wake up
10:00am: procrastinate online
11:00am: play Heart's "Alone" on piano + random movie soundtracks
12:00pm: eat lunch
12:30pm: go to school
5:00pm: arrive back at home + watch hockey
6:00pm: eat dinner
8:00pm: do homework
12:00am: sleep
But now my life has been flipped, turned upside down. I have 3 interviews for co-op coming up, one on the 19th, one on the 20th, and one on the 27th. Two of them are IT support type jobs for the federal government, and the last is actually for the Engineering faculty at school to work on their web courseware. I'm most keen on the school one (strangely enough -- I mean, how much more unglamourous can you get?), but the interview for that isn't until the 27th. I'm just freaking out over what these next few weeks will be like, what with interviews, school, work, driving lessons, applying to more jobs, and trying not to be totally anti-social.
Not going to lie, I felt like throwing up today when I found out that my interview on the 19th would force me to miss school and was less than 24 hours before my interview on the 20th. Good thing I hadn't eaten yet.
If I had one of these right now, it'd be a huge patch of unhappy.WARNING: long, somewhat personal, soul-baring diatribe ahead.
I went into this telling myself that whatever the first offer I got (should I get one at all), I would accept it. Really, that's how co-op works, anyway. Once you apply for a position, presumably you do want it and so it is expected that should you be offered a position, you would accept it. And really, I did want the jobs when I first applied for them. But having talked to my coordinator today, she asked how many IT support jobs I had applied for with implications abound that I should not have applied for them, that I could land an actual coding gig. She's always emphasized aiming and shooting high -- "I'd rather you say more about yourself and really sell yourself and have to hold you back than you saying too little" -- and I feel as though she's got her bar of expectations set this high while I am really only aiming for something below that. And honestly, my confidence and self-esteem is probably 6 feet below that.
I really had no (emotional) problems before talking to her about those IT jobs. Now I feel regret. Like I shouldn't have applied to them.
But on the other hand, I really don't have any job experience with computers, not in the IT field or the coding field. I mean, yes, ideally I would get a nice little web developer job and look at HTML and CSS all day, but "ideally" tends to pass right by me.
The bad thing about co-op in my faculty is that it's at my own pace and I'm very much at the mercy of the employers. If I get an offer from job A and just barely handed in my application for my dream job, job X, then I'm kind of stuck with job A. My mom just told me to look at it like this is just the beginning of my co-op career. Yeah, these positions are for 8 months, but that's only 2 work terms and I need a minimum of 4.
"Next time," she tells me. "Next time you can be a little pickier and go for the coding ones."
In terms of applying for things, I think that I've applied to around 11 jobs now. The deadlines for maybe half of them have passed, and of those 6 or so, I've gotten 3 interviews. That's not bad, really. I'm rather surprised. And if it weren't for the current remorse/regret/guilt trip that I'm currently on, I'd be really pleased with those results. There haven't been any really exotic positions that have come up (I think the closest was a general posting for IBM saying "go check their site", though their only positions in Europe are in Italy [WHY COULDN'T IT BE FRANCE? OF ALL THE ROMANCE LANGUAGES. HONESTLY. THEY WANT SOMEONE FLUENT IN ITALIAN. MIO DIO.] and Israel), though I'm working on applications for positions in Ontario and Quebec.
How cool would it be to work for RIM in Mississauga or EA in Montreal? My brother is already (and falsely) saying "When you're gone..." to me and lamenting how sad he'll be, which is really kind of adorable and endearing. He says that I have to Skype him every day, and of course he tries to cover up his sappiness by saying "Because you'll need to ask me for recipes and on how to cook because you can't do it by yourself". Haha, what a cute kid.
And really, that's better than my dad who says "If you're going, then we're moving there." Really, dad, really? You of all people?! I guess my mom was right when she told me that my dad and brother always whined about me not being home that often during the school year. And then he got all excited about how if I get a position in Montreal and we move there that we could go to Habs games and have lots of fun and yaddi yaddi yadda.
My family. Honestly. They need to get a grip. It's not even like I do anything at home. I just sit at my computer and argue with people.
So yeah. This is going to be a fun couple of weeks. I feel like rolling up into a ball and just dying. Or playing in traffic. On Knight Street. With all the cargo trucks. Fun fun fun.
It feels like ages since I last blogged on here.
But really, that's because nothing much has happened in my life.
I spend my time either watching hockey (which someone pointed out to me meant spending 6 hours a day glued to my TV), applying to job postings for Co-op, playing video games, going for driving lessons, eating, sleeping, or writing. 'Tis a sad existence. But school is starting back up again for summer term on Tuesday for me so I guess that will cut down on my time for... everything.
Sadly, hockey is the most exciting thing in my life right now. The Habs are out now, but I'm still following the Canucks and Red Wings, though I foresee the Red Wings being knocked out very shortly (much to my chagrin).
I suppose that applying to job postings is somewhat exciting, though reading the requirements just makes me go "WHY AM I SO INADEQUATE?", but oh well. My coordinator said to apply for a job, you really only need 50% of what they're asking for. Nothing really exotic's come up, the most exotic postings being for companies in Boise, Idaho, and Cupertino, California (Apple, which is pretty freaking exciting). In terms of the companies making the postings, there are some fairly well-known companies (Capcom, Demonware, etc.) with facilities in the Lower Mainland here so that'd be good for my wallet. God knows I probably would die if I had to live by myself right now. I'd be awake until the wee hours of the morning all the time. There are some postings for jobs in Ontario that sound pretty interesting. And if I do end up in Ontario, at least that's still in Canada so it's still kind of "home" (meh, sorta), and since I haven't been back East, that'd be pretty fascinating. Ontario's where all the action is.
I'm actually spending a lot more time on Tumblr nowadays. It's so easy to get sucked in. It probably doesn't help that I actually run a blog on there now with a decent amount of followers (a whopping 175! In like a week and a half or so?). So if you're ever curious as to what I and my followers (who submit things) deem to be Vancouver-exclusive sorts of things (and my judgment is way off sometimes, I know), then feel free to pop on over. Or you can go to my personal tumblr (see link in sidebar) if you care to see what kind of useless crap I'm interested in or am whining about currently.
I found this article on Cracked today about the 5 "shocking" ways in which we overestimate ourselves. It kind of surprised me that I didn't find any of it surprising (yay for confusing sentences!). I recently came to the conclusion that human beings are inherently selfish. Sure, people share and do things for others as a way of being nice, but in the end, who are we all looking out for? Number One, that's who. Because no matter how much you care about someone and what is going on in their life, you cannot think nonstop about them. You just can't. In the end, you really just don't care all that much, especially compared to yourself. But it's 2AM and I've digressed. Go read the article and hate yourself a little more... I kid, I kid.
Anyway, I'm just going to finish writing up this scene and go to sleep.
In just a matter of days, so much history has occurred.
Certainly, it was exciting waiting to see what it would be like and to see what everyone would be wearing. And I'm not even one of those kinds of people who cares about fashion or clothing. Period.
Of course what was ground-breaking about this Royal Wedding is the fact that Kate Middleton is a commoner (a wealthy commoner, but a commoner nonetheless), putting the whole "fairytale" sentiment into many people's minds. What interested me about the whole thing was just seeing William and Harry all grown up. I kind of grew up with them; when their mum died, it was a hotly discussed topic in my little grade 2 class. It's good to see what kind of men they've grown to become.
Anywho, in terms of quotidienne (why is Chrome underlining this word? Isn't it a word? Is it a French word that I thought existed in English?) quotidian life, I got into a very minor car accident the other day when I decided to man up and drive to work to pick up my uniform. Essentially, the driver ahead of me turned right, I was clear, I moved forward to turn left, and the driver previously ahead of me suddenly reversed into me because another car was coming up the street towards him. I'm okay, the other driver is okay, and the passengers are all okay. My mom's Volvo... eh... Well, lucky for me, it wasn't my fault at all and the insurance people are going to be blaming the other driver 100% so I'm relieved. I have to admit that after that, I kind of feel better about driving. I can say that I was in an accident. And I didn't die. Whew.
Also, co-op job postings are up. Or at least 10 of them are. For now. Great. My free time = over. Darn it. So far there seem to be some great jobs in the Lower Mainland (thankfully for my bank account) so it's likely (looking at things from this point and extrapolating a pattern from there) that I can get something in the Lower Mainland... If not... Oh well. BOISE, IDAHO, HERE I COME! (Honestly, I don't even know where Idaho is though there is a listing for Clearwater Analytics based there.)
After sweeping the Phoenix Coyotes, my Detroit Red Wings are losing to the Sharks. Argh! Come on, Zetterberg!
... I've also realized that Finnish hockey players are mighty attractive...
EDIT: Apparently me at 1AM forgot that Detroit is in the Western conference *facepalm*
So it's the end of Round 1 for the Canucks, at least. I've only really been following teams in the Western conference plus Montreal (... which is like 60% of the teams in the playoffs...), but I'm aware that there will be two Game 7's on tomorrow. Exciting!
Anyhow, I don't have too too many thoughts on the Canucks' win tonight. I'm not an expert hockey analyst or an avid fan with all the memorized statistics or anything, but I do have some thoughts. I'm still of the opinion that the Canucks should've eliminated Chicago ages ago. Chicago definitely isn't the same team this year as it was last year, and they barely even made it into the playoffs this time around. The fact that they were even able to tie the series came as a shock to me. Yes, the Canucks won this series, but it went all the way to Game 7. That's got to be tiring for them. I mean, they played and traveled 3 more times than Detroit had to, and I don't think that Detroit is nearly as good this year as the Canucks were during the regular season. That being said, that was the regular season; everything changes come post-season.
What doesn't sit well with me right now is the fact that Vancouver is celebrating right now as though we've already won the Cup. To me that means: a) You're just looking for an excuse to part, and b) You don't have faith in your team that they'll make it through any more series hence the early celebrations. I mean, the crowds on TV... I haven't seen the streets that filled since the Olympics! This was just Round 1, people, there's still a long ways to go.
Big kudos to Corey Crawford. He's the only reason why the Hawks were able to stick around at all. And he's probably the most under-appreciated goalie in the league right now. I mean, I had hardly heard of him before the playoffs.
Anyway, that's it for tonight.
I don't mean to be bashing Vancouver (should anyone misconstrue my 1AM ramblings here), but I just think that people should be a little more grounded. Sure, celebrate a little, but it looked like a pretty rockin' party downtown right now. In the end, what I'm saying is just an opinion, and I'd be glad if yours is different.
To show that I still do love Vancouver, you can puzzle over these articles on how beautiful Vancouver men and women are. I am not even kidding. Two separate articles/photo gallery pieces on attractive people and beautiful women and Vancouver is included in both lists. I'm not sure if I should laugh or just roll my eyes.
About Me
- Delusion-Elle
- some whiny chick from Vancouver, Canada. I blog about whatever tickles my fancy. Usually, that consists of hockey, music, and my day-to-day life.
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