Delusion-Elle

I admit it. A.Ng, you're right. Guys in CPSC are creeps. v_____v
Small anecdote for the day:
So two CPSC classes ago, this random guy sat down next to me. I was listening to my prof, with my Math notes out (IDK why) and he turned to me and asked (in broken English that I will paraphrase here): "Are you taking Math?" He was also kind of whispering so I eloquently blurted out a hearty "What?". He repeated his question and I answered it. I went back to paying attention in class and a few seconds later he asked me if I found Math hard and a plethora of other questions that I can't remember now, but I know that I misheard them all initially because I was in a somewhat irritable mood from being forced to socialize and I'm really starting to think that I listen to Mozart at very unhealthy decibels. Yes, I'm blaming Mozart for this one.
I think I sent out enough "pls don't talk to me plox" (redundancy ftw!) vibes that he leaned back and started to talk to my friend/project partner/the psycho I sit with behind my back. Which felt a little weird in a physical sense, but I honestly didn't care in a socialization sense.
Fast forward 48 hours and we're back in CPSC class, but this time the dithering doofus is sitting next to my project partner. Whew. So he's asking her about Math and CPSC and then he asks for her number and e-mail. After she gives them to him, he asks me for mine. And being the kind, benevolent person that I am, I gave him my contact information. Luckily nothing came of that. For me.
On the other hand, my project partner is not so lucky. Apparently he's been texting her -- at first he was asking about Math and CPSC, but then he texted this: "do u have a boyfriend?" This was followed by "wat's your zodiac sign?".
And suddenly I knew that yes, A.N., you are sadly right about guys in CPSC. =____=

Just going to keep to myself for a few days, maybe build up a collection of "S@#& my mom says" quotes, work on my project. Just not feeling very social or talkative. Sorry. T____T

I'm just sick of so many things.
*whine whine whine angst angst angst*

I have to figure this out now or else I will get absolutely nothing done. NOTHING. T_____T
Shit to be done between now and the end of term (!!) not including finals & the epic amounts of studying those will require:

• Music 100: daily sight chord drills, assignment 5 (Nov. 19)
• Music 120: read ch. 10/11/12, research paper (Nov. 19)
• CPSC 211: pre-lab every week, assignment 4 (Nov. 26), demo (Dec. 3)
• Math 200: practice questions for 15.8/16.1/16.2/16.3/11.3/16.4/16.6/16.7/16.8/16.5, midterm 4 (Nov. 19)
• Math 221: homework for 3.1/3.2/5.1/5.2/5.3/5.4/5.6/6.1/6.2/6.3 (as it's assigned), midterm 2 (Nov. 19)

Time I have to do shit in (for this week only):
Today (Nov. 7): daily SCD [MUSC100], read ch. 10 [MUSC120], start research paper [MUSC120], practice q's for 15.8 [MATH200] <-- I did 7 questions. Good enough for now. I hope.
Monday (Nov. 8): {Sight chord drill in-class} daily SCD [MUSC100]
Tuesday (Nov. 9): {volunteering} daily SCD [MUSC100], work on research paper [MUSC 120]
Wednesday (Nov. 10): {NO LAB} daily SCD [MUSC100], practice q's for 16.1 [MATH200]
Thursday (Nov. 11): {lunch out, uncle's birthday dinner} daily SCD [MUSC100], work on research paper [MUSC120]
Friday (Nov. 12): {Co-op interivew} daily SCD [MUSC100], practice q's for 16.2 [MATH200] <-- 4 questions done, too tired to go on~
Saturday (Nov. 13): {tutor} daily SCD [MUSC100], Assignment 5 [MUSC100] <--mostly done; just need to clarify things in lecture this week, work on research paper [MUSC120], work on sample midterm [MATH200]
Sunday (Nov. 14): daily SCD [MUSC100], work on research paper [MUSC120], homework [MATH221]

And this probably looks ambitious and confusing as fuck, but I WANT THAT SATISFACTION OF CROSSING THINGS OFF MY LIST and I understand this so that's all that matters.
Guess I'd better get cracking.
Will blog more later if distracted/procrastinating. -___-
... I can guarantee that that will happen .____."

I'm only posting this because I've had it, and I finally don't care. I want a listener, but no responses. I'll create illusions of what I need to hear. Please don't read if you want to preserve any sort of pre-existing image of me in your mind.

I didn't come home to feel like a mess, but that's the way things have turned out.

As in Mad-Eyed Moody!
Nah, I'm just kidding. WG & AN blogged tonight (yesterday?) so I felt like blogging too. Hurrah for peer pressure! :)

Time is running out to catch up with schoolwork, and I've stopped caring about anything and everything school related. But life isn't about lollygagging around and doing things you want to do. No of course not. That'd be far too easy and we can't have life being easy now, can we?

Had a loltastic talk with WG today. x) I don't think I can ever talk to her without actually lol-ing at the screen and getting weird looks from my brother.

Just a little warning in advance, this is probably going to be a somewhat self-absorbed post.

I'm listening to that "Calling to the Night" song again and it's got a chokehold on my heart. Every time I hear it, I come close to crying. I know that it's already inspired the start of a story that's gone onto my brainstorming notepad file. But I'm forcing myself not to do any writing right now. I know that if I do, I won't be able to do any more schoolwork or studying, which is why I had to finish that story. It was stealing my time and energy. I want to sing this song so badly. But people are in bed and the house is not empty. I wish I was standing on the corner of a busy intersection of endless traffic. I like that feeling of being there, but not quite at the same time. And the noise is loud enough to cover my voice.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Sometimes I think being in a relationship would be nice. But I also think that I enjoy my solitude. I love my friends and sometimes I think that there is no room for anyone else in my life. But I shouldn't even think about these sorts of things. These thoughts just make me feel weird. In the end, I know that I could do just fine by myself. Relationship talk makes me feel weird. I know I'm young, I know that I shouldn't believe in words like "never". But I don't know. I don't want to know.

Well, I think I've just got to study Math hardcore, review some more Physics, and try and finish CPSC lab 5 (from before the reading break lololol) before school starts again.

I kind of want to do what A.Ng did in his last blog post about what crazy business is going down in his brain, but I'm not sure that I could pinpoint anything or assign percentages.

Maybe if I ramble about some other stuff first, I can get on with it.

I never thought of this song as being very sad before, but it got me all teary-eyed this morning. I blame the hormones. I think that the vocalist makes it very red, otherwise the original is very black and gold/yellow, and kind of feels like it's in a tube. I think I should get over this song and this album, but I can't.

I realized the other day that I learned a lot of weird things from songs. Sometimes not directly from songs, but they made me want to Wikipedia things which then led to learning.
Let's make a list because I enjoy seeing those round little bullet things. (No, I don't.)
And really, I have nothing better to do. I hate Math and I hate Physics. They totally just ruined my reading break.

• Odysseus/Iliad/Fall of Troy/Helen of Troy with that face that launched a thousand ships and shiet
• Swan Lake
• reacquaintance with the Lady of Shalott
• Rose Red - like srsly who the feck has heard of that fairytale character?
• the real story of Rapunzel
• 1001 Arabian Nights
• Elizabeth Bathory
• Stockholm Syndrome
• Tolkien's The Silmarillion 
• Goethe's Faust
• Milton's Paradise Lost - before we studied it in Lit, lolol
• fairy hills? - idk, it's what the song sounded like to me ><

I think this is enough proof of my geekiness. x)

Really into this trip-hop band right now. Their music is like chillout/dark ambient/darkwave/ebm/dreamy/downtempo electronica. Their latest album is up for free download, yay! Lightest, most delicate female vocals ever. o__o

Long post is long and it's time to cut it.

I woke up in a strange way this morning. I was in the middle of a bad dream when I was jolted awake by my alarm. When I woke up, I was just lying on my back with my arms like glued to my sides. I dunno about you, but I've never woken up like that. And maybe it was because I was in the middle of a dream, but I woke up exhausted and I remained that way for the whole day. I fell asleep on the bus on the way to school, and on the way back home. I am currently thanking myself for my day off tomorrow.

My bad dream was... strange. I remember some sort of factory setting with conveyor belts. Then I remember this dark red/brown mansion with a winding road leading up to it (which kind of looked cartoonish because of the vibrant colours). Somehow I ended up inside and my mom was there belittling and berating me and all I know is that I just kept crying and everyone was mad at me for crying which only made me cry harder.

I guess I've had worse dreams, but I just felt really really really crappy. And this is probably the last dream (that I was consciously aware of/remembered) I've had in a month's time.

And following my dream-mom's biting words, today my brother was working on an assignment where he had to discuss some Canadian cities that were worth visiting. One of the ones my mom suggested was Victoria. So my brother's sitting there thinking of what to say about BC's boring-ass capital city and he asks my mom, "What's good about Victoria?"

I was in the room at the time, working on my own homework and I wasn't aware of what he was talking about so I gave a big "What!?"

My mom answered by saying, "I don't know what's good about Victoria, she can't even get a gay guy to like her, never mind a straight one."

My reaction: a combination of D: & T____T

My mom's response: "Oh well, Thomas is one I guess, but he barely even knows you so he doesn't count."

Jesus frickin' Christ.
I don't even know how I feel about that. I mean, I love my mom, but the combination of that bad dream and what she said was just kind of... Yuck and bad feelings all over.

I am so tired of everyone pushing for this "ideal" situation of "get a boyfriend (to be politically correct) significant other, get married, have kids, yay". You don't need all that business to live a rich, full life. Maybe my mind will change later, but I hate kids and I'm happy with the life I'm leading right now (okay, a little more creative freedom + INSPIRATION would be nice). And not everyone gets to live that "ideal" situation so stop pushing for it. There are tons of alternative lifestyles out there. Yes, I get that people just want the "best" but in the end I just want to be self-sufficient, independent, and happy.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is:
DON'T BOTHER ME ABOUT BOYFRIENDS, ETC. RIGHT NOW PLS. I LIKE SINGLE LIFE, MY GAY BFFS, AND WRITING. Eye candy is nice, though. ;D

Firstly firstly firstly, thank you to my awesome girl friends who once again proved their worth. x) Just like gay guys, you girls always make me feel happy <3

I'm going to go shopping with my gay best friend tomorrow. Happy times, happy times. :)

So today's post (to make up for yesterday's oh so sexist post) will be dedicated to my guy friends.

Firstly, gay guy friends. They are the best. They're not catty, they don't have "hidden intentions", they have good fashion sense (SRSLY, THE BEST DRESSED HUMANS EVER), and for some reason, I can talk to them for ages. Girls are a great kind of friends, but there's something so special about gay guy friends. And they make me so happy. Something about how they deal with people hating on them, and yet they're still okay. And usually they're the people who walk through life, smiling and cheering everyone else up. Gay best friends everywhere deserve a salute and a BIG BIG hug.

I have to admit that I'm slightly scared about shopping with my gay best friend tomorrow. What if he expects a certain amount of "yay shopping"-ness from me and I'm not up to snuff? :( What if he wants to call off our friendship after hanging out with me for a day and realizing how not-as-awesome-as-a-gay-guy I am? I would be so sad. T___T OMFGI'MSONERVOUSABOUTTOMORROW.

Moving on.
In response to A.Ng's most recent (unless he's updated while I was writing this) post... I'm sorry. I wish I could've expressed my love for my guy friends in my last post, but I was just in a weird "GIRLS ARE FREAKING AWESOME" mood so I just couldn't do it. But that's not to say that my guy friends aren't awesome. They are a bunch of really, truly, genuinely good guys. I never feel uncomfortable around them. I feel safe and they are like my gay guy friends in that kind of way -- no hidden intentions or anything. What I love bestestestestestest about my guy friends is that when we hang out, we're just bros. It's a kind of friendship you can't really have with girl friends or with gay guy friends. It's just that honest, random kind of friendship that can be ridiculously silly at times, but at others, brings up totally deep or philosophical thoughts. I'm not saying that I don't do that with my girl or gay guy friends, but it's absolutely fascinating hearing things from a bro's point of view.

And writing all this up has made me realize something. Although I do kind of hate people/mankind/humans overall as a race, I love my friends. Yes, I am so lucky to have you all. Sometimes I think that I'm going to wake up one day and the joke will be on me and I'll just be the strange misfit girl who gets abandoned.
But I know you guys wouldn't do something like that. Right?! xP j/k

So yeah, I have some serious shopping to do tomorrow so I'm going to bed now.

Firstly, I have some awesomeness to share with you. Yes, it came to me by way of the Jackass, but THE CRAP ON THIS SITE IS SO AWESOME. I WANT TO BUY IT ALL.
Clicketh.

I was thinking last night, before I went to sleep. I was thinking about my friends.
Now, I don't want anyone to think that this is a post/entry meant to "suck up" to you guys ('cause we all know that I don't need to ;)) or to boost your self-confidence/esteem or anything. This is just me and my thoughts. They are honest. They are what I thought last night.

WARNING: I am sleep-deprived and punchy so I'm not in the mood to censor myself. This is my soul being poured out in a blog post. I won't think any less of you if you don't even bother reading the rest of this.

I feel very lucky: (in terms of my girl friends, most notably) I have the most beautiful people for friends. Okay, so that isn't including that godly level of hotness like Johnny Depp (I can't think of a female equivalent), but you guys girls are a very good-looking bunch of girls. And to top that, you are all insanely nice. Not just the basic 'oh she's a nice girl' sort of thing, but you guys are supportive, fiercely loyal, and you never push things beyond other people's boundaries. If you want me to personally give you a long diatribe of all your good points, just message me. For a generally pessimistic person, it's kinda strange, but for people, I have to admit that I try to focus on the good. Unless the person is a grade A turkey.

I think that you're all too good for me. You guys girls look good, you dress nicely, and you've all got great personalities. Who am I? I am Awkward McAwkwardson. I'm not pretty like you girls, I'm not a trendy dresser, and I don't have the sparkling personality of nice and awesomeness. I am acne-ridden (which I guess isn't really my fault, but still I hate it), mean, and annoying. I don't know how you guys gals put up with me. I could see if you're a geeky, white kid, desperate for friends, but none of you are.

But thing is that I don't feel awkward with you. Okay, well, if I'm feeling self-conscious about myself, I feel yucky, but I keep it to fleetingness. But no, I don't actually feel awkward with you guys. Which just re-affirms my "omg, these girls are AWESOME" belief.

And maybe PROBABLY I'm just going through a "feeling shitty" phase. But it made me appreciate you guys a lot lot lot. Or at least it made me express these appreciation and thankfulness openly.

I am honoured that I'm included in your circle of friends.
I AM NOT WORTHY. orz OTL

You guys are so QK. <3