Delusion-Elle

These days, I'm not generally one to write out my thoughts. Part of the reason behind this is that I just don't have the time. I have a hefty amount of schoolwork to contend with as well as obligations to my family and boyfriend. Life is good, but it's giving me very little room to breathe and reflect.

I'm not exactly sure what the nature of this post will be exactly, but I came here with my head full of thoughts caused by a certain tumblr post as well as heart full of self-love... and of course a lack of motivation to do my homework.

The tumblr post in question is this one. If you don't want to click through to the link, I've posted the post's sole contents here. Yes, it is this image on the right here. I remember a time when I would've readily reblogged that to my own tumblr blog, but looking at it today, right now, I am disgusted and saddened. I get self-hate. I understand self-deprecation. I've mentally beat myself up many many times before. But the thing that I'm finding more and more with tumblr and its massive community is the glorification of this self-hate. And having been there, I understand why it's so popular. You're single. It bothers you. You hate yourself for it. Why can't I be pretty and desirable? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? It's an easy and toxic state to fall into, and the fact that society seems to create the illusion of coupledom being the norm just makes the situation worse. It's expected of you to be in a relationship, even if your parents or friends don't expect it of you. No, this is a battle between you and society as a whole. And the way you cope is to attack first... even if it's yourself that you're attacking. It feels good in a twisted way. I know. I remember. It feels good reaffirming how you will be alone for the rest of your life. It feels good being able to "stick it to the man". Hah! You think that people get into relationships and fall in love and that as a person, it will happen to me? Well well well, you thought wrong, you son of a bitch. That can and will not ever happen to me. And it's not because I'm too good. Oh no, it's because I am not good enough -- for anybody. I am undesirable and I acknowledge that. I am incapable of being loved and here, let me tell you, let me show you: I am aware of it and it is a part of me and I will wallow in it.

I remember wallowing in self-pity. I remember wanting to be in a relationship so badly. I remember looking at friends and strangers, looking at all of the ones in relationships and focusing on them and their happiness. I remember going to work and plastering a smile on my face every time I dealt with a customer who had brought their significant other up to the counter with them. It hurt. It felt like the world wished to spite me. "Hey, you can't get into a relationship, so let me bombard you with happy couples! NYAH NYAH!" It was tough, and I truly had deluded myself into believing that I would be alone forever. And I was not okay with that.

See, the thing is that loneliness and being alone is intrinsic to existing and living and being human. There will be times when loneliness will strike. There will be periods of your life when you will be alone. And sometimes you may not even physically be alone, but isolation will still live in your heart. Being alone is natural. You need to be alone. Not all the time, no, for loneliness can be its own brand of poison, but for periods of time you do. You need time alone to sort yourself out. You need time alone to get to know yourself better. There is nothing wrong with being alone, and this is something that we as a society need to accept, believe, and champion. And that is what is wrong with tumblr.

Tumblr is no different from the rest of society in a way, but at the same time it's a more concentrated version. Tumblr is where the insecure teenagers flock. Tumblr is made for those who are alone -- infinite scrolling on a dashboard tailored to your tastes, tags galore to explore, unidirectional interactions in the form of reblogs and likes. However, on tumblr it is more obvious, the loneliness. This is partly due to the fact that it is a blog community and feelings are posted ever so often. As great as it is to be able to tag and share and spread posts virally, this viral aspect also results in what I think of as "widespread sadness". You start with one post bemoaning loneliness and pretty soon, the entire community is made aware of how much they hate being lonely and single as well.

I'm not one to write how-to guides on these kinds of things; relationships and self-help are concepts relatively new to me. And yet tumblr has incensed me so much lately with these self-deprecating posts belittling the state of being single that I am driven to post this to express my own feelings. First and foremost: There is nothing wrong with being single. We should all strive for the state of being happy while single. These are months/days/years/decades dedicated to you. This is the time where you can do anything you wanted to do. You can laze about and play games all day. You can read hundreds of books. You can pick up another language or two or three. You can work on that one project you've always wanted to do. And it is all of these things that add to your being, not whether or not some other human being likes you, loves you, wants to bang you. Being in a relationship enriches your life on a different level, but it does not generate that inner peace and happiness that is reliant solely on your relationship with yourself. This is something that a certain subset of people need to understand.

It's hard. I know that it is. It's hard finding good things about yourself. It can be insanely difficult not to compare yourself to everyone around you. But there was this one concept that stuck with me when I was muddling around in the throes of my own self-dissatisfaction: people only let you see the highlight reel of your life, and this highlight reel is what you are comparing against your own lowlights. So don't be too hard on yourself. I discussed this with my boyfriend once, and yes, a certain amount of self-hatred can be acceptable if its only purpose is to serve as a self-motivator. If you are able to look at someone and think that you want to work on being as good as them or better, then that is it. That is the only instance in which self-hatred is acceptable. As soon as you use another person's achievements as something to berate and belittle yourself for over and over again, it is time to stop comparing yourself against them.

The thing is that it can be done. You can get out of the mental rut. I don't know exactly if there is some sort of magical, universal solution, but for me, it was proving to myself that I was capable. I pushed myself. I went out and did co-op. I went into it with so many misgivings and insecurities, and I came out of it a better person. This I am sure of. Meeting more, good-quality people who were kind but who were also flawed (and these were older folks who were more secure about themselves and perhaps were more willing to show their flaws) really helped me accept myself. I went and did yoga. I went for walks at lunch to clear my head. I exercised every night and lost enough weight to physically feel better. I became more aware of what my personal style was and instead of trying to make it fit a certain mold, I let it go and started to choose close to support and enhance it. I learned to take pride in who I was. I am a good, kind, smart person who looks reasonably well-kempt and appropriate for my age, stage of life, and surroundings. I may fall within the confines of "normalcy", but that is okay. Being a rebel is great, as is being edgy. But for what I wanted my life to be and for the person that I wanted to be, I realized that being a normal, functioning person in society was right for me.

I can't say for certain if my "transformation" had any causal effect on the fact that I got into a relationship some months afterwards, but there is a possibility. Confidence was a part of my demeanour now and I think that it showed. My boyfriend tells me now even that when I am brave enough to tell him things -- whether embarrassing or weird or quirky -- he respects and likes me more for having that confidence. Confidence is sexy. And if you can't bring yourself to love yourself "despite" being single, then you aren't ready for a relationship. As simple as that. And even if you are still single then, then it's okay because you've already found a certain love and acceptance: yourself.

There has been kerfuffle of sorts concerning one of my high school teachers. He allegedly had a relationship with one of his students. If this rumour is true, then I am disgusted. However, I am not so sure that this is true. Right now, this is just hearsay. Sure, there seems to be some evidence gleaned by word of mouth, but I firmly remain skeptical of this claim. In fact, I am incensed. I respect and admire this teacher -- it is not easy developing a decent band program out of basically nothing. The fact that everyone seems not to see this angers me and I have finally been able to collect my thoughts and feelings enough to write something more coherent than "YOU SHUT UP ALL OF YOU, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN BAND AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH BETTER HE MADE IT. *tears*"

For the sake of ease, let's refer to him as A.

One point made is that a few ex-students were contacted by the school board about this teacher. Apparently two female ex-students received letters saying something along the lines (and this is already a fuzzy bit) of "we would like more information on your experiences with A". What's important to note is who these two ex-students are. I myself am a female ex-student and a friend of mine also falls into that category, but neither of us received any such letter. Is there anything that separates these two ex-students from myself and my friend? Looking back on my days in class, I remember that both of these ex-students had altercations and disagreements with A. One of them, who I talked to and walked to class with sometimes, actually was dropped from the class because she refused to go on a big trip for the class. And when I say "big trip", I mean "this trip is pretty much our raison d'être this year, this is what we are working towards". This is something that A impressed on us many times throughout the year, and after becoming upset at this student for saying no to the trip, he essentially kicked her out of the class. A brash action? Yes, but A is a man who is passionate about his job and particularly about this class. We were his bread and butter, a stumbling bumbling creature expected to transform into a well-oiled machine in time for this grand trip. What was the point of keeping this student in his class if her goals obviously did not align with that of the rest of the group? The way I see it is that he saw her (and a few other students who felt the same way) as an unnecessary growth, so he cut her off. Again, this sounds cruel and brash, but think about it. We're talking about an area where perfection is the focus, and although perfection is nigh impossible to achieve, you do everything you can to get as close to it as possible. Because if you aren't perfect, you get booed off the stage. Everyone hears every mistake, everyone sees every little piece out of place, and they will judge you for it. This is a course so unlike any other -- with the exception of the other performing arts courses -- that you have to think about it and its instructor in a different way. If you're telling me that you can approach Social Studies the same way you can approach any of the performing arts, then I'd like to have a very long discussion with you about that.

In short, these two ex-students had "beef" with A (with the other ex-student also leaving the ensemble before year-end). But, you may be wondering, how would anyone know about this "beef"? Why would these two be contacted? The question I pose to you is: is it not plausible (and likely) that these two went to the school board with an earlier complaint about A? Neither of them were fond of the man, and both of them were passionate -- I had seen glimpses of it just in talking and seeing them. Would they not fight for the idea of personal justice they held so closely to their hearts? I'm not saying that this is what happened, but it does explain why they would have been contacted, and honestly, I would not rule out this possibility. But I digress.

At the root of it, I have to say that I am extremely saddened to see this accusations pointing at A. I have been in his company, just the two of us, a few times and I was completely at ease. He is not some sick pervert. What he is is a passionate teacher who is married to his work. His passion is what leads him to make some stupid decisions, I admit; it is not wise to remain with a female student in confined quarters, but not because I think that he would prey on the girl -- no, but for his own safety and prudence. He is a brilliant man, and so very talented in his field, but he does not make the best decisions in terms of prudence. If you'd actually sat in his class and listened to what he'd said, then you would've heard the fatigue, but you would've seen the complete devotion he had to his cause -- i.e. our band. He would do anything for our band if it meant making it, and any of the star players, better. I remember how he would tell us about how he'd stay up late working on trying to figure out how to make us better and how he would fall asleep at the wheel of his car -- mid-drive. This man thinks nothing of his own well-being. This is something that people have to understand. He does not think of what kinds of whispers will be said about him or about the physical hazards he imposes on himself. His focus is on the band. And if working with a key player in the band off school hours one-on-one is what he thinks it'll take, he'll do it, not even thinking about the consequences. Sure, he loved his students, but I never saw any hint of it being in an inappropriate manner. He loves his students like they are his children. So yes, when I hear that he drove this student in question somewhere, I am not surprised. I am only upset at how little a hold "rational judgment" seems to has on him.

Another point that people have brought up is that his alleged teenage lover (and student) has dropped out of school now as a result of this not-so-clandestine relationship. First of all, is this more hearsay? Did the girl actually say that yes, she did indeed drop out of school because she could not stand A's advances any longer? Or did she say yes, she did indeed drop out because everyone was talking about her? Well, to the second question, I'd like to say that my brother is in her grade and he was in band for a time so he knows and is on good terms with a lot of the band kids still. And after talking to him tonight, he has not heard a THING about this incident. Sure, he had noticed that this girl had dropped out, but he had heard nothing beyond that. If you want to call my brother out for being an unobservant ninny, then that's a separate issue that you can take up with me.

But I digress. The fact that the girl has dropped out of school may or may not be related to this "fiasco". There is no solid indication that the two events are related. We do not know what goes on behind the closed doors in her household abode. We can never truly know what happens in the 90% of someone's life that we don't see. We only get to see what they tell us, and even then, humans are not reliable reporters. We all have secrets, and we all have skeletons in our closets. The fact that her father is a local politician may give an indication as to what her home life may be like, but even then it would be unfair to infer much. If anything, the fact that her father is a local politician may relate to this situation with A. As a parent, you want to protect your child. If your child is hurt, you will seek revenge. This much I have gleaned from parents. If A really, truly did hurt this girl, then her father would presumably become involved. Okay, this may be where the school board comes in, but this could also be a prime time to pull the politician card and use that media attention to condemn A. Everyone likes a good story.

The story has gone through so many people that a lot of the details have been lost. They have also been diluted and been expanded. People trust their sources, I understand that completely. However, I do not trust their sources. I do not even trust myself -- I am aware that I have the power to manipulate stories when I retell them, and I do believe that I am guilty of this at times, although I do try actively to catch myself; and oh yes, I have caught myself. The thing is that people love a good story and they love having an audience who will react. Why do you think that whoppers and hyperboles exist? We are also creatures who pride ourselves in being very different from each other. We are all individuals. We all think differently and speak differently from each other. And from this beautiful set of differences, we misunderstand and miscommunicate. I am not condemning these actions, but I merely wish to recognize them.

Oh, and another thing. Notice how he's still teaching? Surprised? I'm not. He's still teaching because there is no evidence. If this was as serious as everyone makes it seem -- though that is perhaps something created by how viral this rumour has gone -- then he would be relieved of his position and he would be undergoing investigation right now. I know a student teacher who was at my high school for her practicum, and she drove home one of her students, a female, home after some sports practice one day. The girl developed a crush on this student teacher. In the end, what happened to this student teacher? Nothing. Because nothing happened. The fact that nothing has happened to A so far seems to indicate that the school board has not found the condemning evidence. Perhaps this is because it does not exist.

For me, it just hurts to see people -- who didn't even know A -- slag him and shake their heads at even the mention of his name in disgust. He is a man who seems to become the object of many students' hatred, and unfortunately it seems that this might have bit him in the ass this time. This is a shame. The man I know A to be is one that is dedicated, passionate, and selfless. I only wish that others, despite how he pressed their buttons, could see him in the same light.

... Besides, my mom believes him to be gay, no doubt about it. And we all know that mom is always right.